Kenya -- My heart (and stomach) are full!

Sorry for the delay in posting this one. I wrote it on the plane on our way back to the US, but with the last month of my life being crazy with moving, it's just now getting posted.

My heart (and stomach) are so full after a week in Kenya! I spent the week getting to know our program members and their kids, talking through their challenges, and being fed so much wonderful food.

The hospitality these people show is humbling. Each day, we visited 2-4 program members. Each invited us into their home, which often times is one room with a bed, couch, few chairs, and a little ledge where they do their cooking. Their whole home was the size of my freshman dorm room, sometimes even smaller. They always offered us up something to eat. Whether it was cake and tea, an avocado/mango/paw paw fruit smoothie, stew, chapati, rice, or githeri (a bean and maze stew). They would send their kids down to the street to get the fresh vegetables needed and get to work. Everything was cooked on a little gas or charcoal burner, as that is their main way of cooking. All of the food was amazing! Their wasn't one thing I didn't like. And the only seasoning they use is salt. I attempted to take as many cooking lessons from them as possible (including trying to learn to cut cabbage quickly without cutting off my finger)!

While preparing the food and eating, we would visit with the kids and get updates on them, as they were on school break. We would learn the stories behind each person and the struggles they were currently facing in their businesses. The stories of struggle are real, but the hope, hard work, and inspiration is unmatched. Whether it was a dad trying to raise his 3 kids after his wife left for another man, a mom raising her kids after she left her abusive husband, or a widow supporting her family after her husband died from HIV. The stories are tough, but their perseverance and faith in God are so strong. I would love to share more about these families and their stories, so please ask me sometime :)

Nairobi was starkly different from rural Uganda. It's a large city with what seemed like endless slums. It's dirty, polluted, and the driving is crazy. Their public transportation system has flashing lights and blares American rap music as you drive around. English is much more prevalent, except for those who are from Tanzania. The people, their hearts, and their faith are the same though.

It's hard for me to put into words Kenya. I've had two 9 hour flights to process and I'm still not sure. It's heartbreaking to see the slums (especially the old ones that haven't been rebuilt) and knowing that just last quarter a few of the kids weren't in school because their mom couldn't afford it. I learned just how important it is to help empower these people to be able to start a trade/business so that they can continually support themselves and put food on the table for their families. They are all such hard-workers. They want the best for their kids. But unforeseen circumstances prevent that from happening sometimes. This is why Under The Same Tree is so important. Not only are they finding sponsors to help support the kid's school fees, but they are also providing micro-finance loans to help the members expand their businesses or get started with something else so they can fully support their families. The program member I spent a day with, Neema, has already paid back her first loan and has taken a larger one out to expand her business further. This program is helping to make a difference in people's lives who are just trying to find some laundry to wash for the day so they can put food on the table for their kids that evening.

I have so many specific stories and pictures from this trip. I would love to share more with you, and if you are interested in getting involved with UTST, explaining the child sponsorship or family empowerment program.  The bonds and friendships I formed on this trip I can't put into words. I feel blessed to have so many friends that are half way around the world! I'm looking forward to going back to visit again sometime soon...which I would love to have some friends join me for :)

P.S...keep an eye out for an opportunity to help in a small way soon!

Missing my girl & how we all need Jesus

Four years ago today, I lost one of my best friends. It rocked my world and sent me on a journey to lean on God in a way I never had before. A lot has happened in those 4 years both in my life and the world. My world has been rocked more times and I'm learning that I am not in control of the adventure of life God has me on. The world, and our country specifically, has been rocked by continual violence and many more innocent lives taken.

Boken was shot and killed by a man as she would not give up her cell phone he was trying to steal. A story that seems all too common these days where gun violence is taking innocent lives. Reading and hearing about all of these stories takes me back to Boken. The most loved girl on our volleyball team, a friend to everyone, always wearing a huge smile, and an impeccable laugh that could fill a room. Oh what I would do to hear her laugh and have a hug one last time. She was a person with a bright future who had touched so many lives, lighting up a room and making sure no one was left out. I'm sure so are the many other people that have lost their lives.

In this life, we all need Jesus. After being in Africa and getting to experience a different culture, I'm learning even more how we are all the same. Yes, we have different cultural customs, we have different likes and dislikes, and even different colored hair. But God made us that way, each individual and unique. Underneath it all, we are all still a precious Child of His {1 John 3:1}. That alone should bond us together. Every person was created by Him {Ephesians 2:10}. We are called to love one another {John 13:34}.

Yes, we live in a broken world. There is sin all around and daily I need Jesus to cover my own sins {Romans 5:8}. But we are called to love and not hate, as His Children {Ephesians 4:2}. We have hope knowing that one day this world will be restored and we will live in a place where there is no sin, only love. One can only sit and imagine what a world like that will be. One day we will know, as we sit in Heaven celebrating. Until then, let's try to love one another as what we truly are, a creation knit together by God Himself {Psalm 139:13}. Outside appearances, occupations, and nationalities don't matter. What matters is that we are His Children.

Today, I'm saddened that a dear friend lost her life too soon and it's been 4 years since we've gotten to talk. But I'm praising God for the 3 years I got to know Boken. Reminiscing on all of our stories, adventures, and laughs...who packed the chocolates, watching the bachelor, downing a whole tub of hummus on our lonely Sundays, lucky penny's, and casually grabbing an extra bag of chips from JJ's are some faves. Wishing that it could have been longer, but knowing that God continues to use her impact even today. And hoping for a world that shows love to one another, waiting for a day where that is restored when Jesus returns.

Last day in Uganda & Travel to Kenya

Last day in Uganda 
Today was our last day in kiboga. After our breakfast, we headed up to the church in order to meet with the women in the program and play with the kids for the last time. This was really the first time I got to experience "Africa time" on our trip, as the meeting was supposed to start at 10 and we really started at 12. We asked questions about how their training program was going and their different business plans. At this point, they have weekly meetings and have set their ground rules. Their next step is to write their business plan on an official template, get it approved by the CAFOCAD board (who we are partnering with in kiboga) and then the USTS board. Then they will be able to get their loans. They are very close and should be getting them soon. Some will be starting new lines of business to make income and others will be expanding their current business.

While we were waiting for the meeting to start,  we played with the kids and played many of their traditional games, which included dancing, clapping, and chasing one another. We ended our time together by taking pictures. Pictures of the group, pictures of the kids, pictures of everyone! A lot of these will be printed out and brought back on the next trip, as Katie delivered ones this time from the previous trip. It was sad to say goodbye to all the women and families I have gotten to know over the past few days. While the first few days were overwhelming being introduced to everyone and learning the way of life, the meaningful relationships built the last few days were indescribable. I'm already looking forward to a trip back to see how the businesses have taken off and how the kids have grown!

Before we left town, we headed by the land one last time, which has almost the entire acre cleared now thank you to the community coming together to finish it. We were able to climb up on a rock at the corner of the land and look out over the whole acre, as well as central Uganda. Beautiful. These people, this way of life, the land and scenery...all have taken a part in my heart. We ended the day by driving back to Kampala so that we could catch the bus the next day for Nairobi. The drive seemed to go quicker than on the way out, even though we made various stops, including to buy some bananas and milk along the side of the road. Nothing like a mini snack sized banana straight off the tree :)

Travel day to Kenya
I'm serious that I can survive any traveling after this trip...so if you need a travel buddy, let me know! Today we traveled from Kampala to Nairobi. After our 3+ hour drive to Kampala last night, we got some food quick and tried to head to bed. Between no hot water, a bar TV blaring, dogs barking, and the only thing on the TV being The International and Wolf of Wall Street, I maybe got 1-2 hours of sleep before getting up at 5:30 to catch our bus. It took off at 6:30 and we were on our up way. The bus was a motorcoach with no bathroom and no air, so we opened the windows to let the breeze through. We made 4 different stops along the way, which included walking across the border and through customs from Uganda to Kenya. About 15 hours later we arrived in Nairobi! Whew, it was a long one, which included about 497 speedbumps (EVERY town has at least 3...they are everywhere!!!). Overall, it was a pretty uneventful trip since I feel like I'm accustomed to their crazy driving now, however, after patiently waiting all day, about 12 hours into the trip and right as the sun was setting, we passed a herd of zebras along the side of the road!!! We also passed some baboons and Rafiki looking things. I'm not exactly sure what I thought Africa would look like (probably dirt and rocks thank to the Lion King), but Kenya is beautiful. There is tons of green, mountains, lakes, wildlife, etc. I spent a lot of time looking out the window and pondering life. I was able to finish the prayer book I have been reading and spent some time in prayer about Nashville and what I will be facing there. I'm thankful to have a God who plans out my life and uses it for His glory so that I don't have to. I know I would mess it up greatly, so it's comforting to know that everything is in His hands.

Day 4 & 5

Day 4
This morning we had breakfast and headed back out to the land to work. After a few hours (Sam had forgotten us), we started to head back to the village. We went to the Internet Cafe and then back for a short nap. The rest of our afternoon and evening was spent with 3 final program members and their kids. One of the program members had been having headaches and troubles reading. We had brought along some reading glasses for her and when she put them on and opened her Bible, it was pure joy on her face when she could read the words. Something that we take for granted in reading words can be so hard for someone that doesn't have access to glasses. We got to love on some more kids today. They are all very polite and experts when it comes to helping around the home. Often you will see a 4 or 5 year old taking care of a baby under the age of 1. Or they are heading to fill up water, helping to cook their dinner, or cleaning up the porch for us to sit. It's a team effort here for each family and everyone pitches in as needed.

Day 5
Today is the first day I got over culture shock. Yes I have been wanting to go on this trip for a while and yes, I knew what I was getting myself into. But when you actually experience a different lifestyle, it takes a bit to adjust. It is so different from how I have been living my life the past 2 1/2 years, where I was attached to my phone and constantly worried about work emails. I don't have access to technology and there is no current news here (aka I have no idea what is going on in the Olympics). Sadly, it took a few days to be ok with not being able to connect to someone whenever I wanted. The pace of everyday life here is so laid back. There isn't technology to guide and set your day, so you go about doing what you need, when you need. It is a completely different way of life from what I have experienced.

This morning we headed to church, which by the time we got there, lasted about another 2 hours. One of our program members was sitting next to me and helped to translate some of the sermon. There was also a hymnal where we got to follow along singing in English while they were singing in Luganda. After church, we hung around for a while and gave lots of hugs and high-fives to the kids. Afterwards, we walked to a cafe to get a cold drink. That's when it really hit me that I was finally accustomed to this life of doing whatever we needed whenever we needed to. Seriously, so sad it took me over 4 days to get over my technology driven, squeeze as much out as you can, regimented schedule. Since we had time, we decided to do laundry before we head to Kenya. I have so much respect for them as they handwash everything. My mother would be proud, but definitely something I much more appreciate being able to throw into a machine to do the work. Since this was our last night in Kiboga, our local guy (Sam) and his friends (Solomon and Tim) took us on a hike up one if the hills nearby. It was perfect timing to watch the sunset and it was amazing to overlook the town and the rest of the hills nearby. God's beauty is amazing and looking out over it and taking in a breath of clean air was too special to put into words. He is good! We ended our evening with dinner (I now crave the rice and beans I know is coming!) and a card game played with a deck of cards, similar to Uno. It was a great day living a true Kiboga lifestyle.

Days 1 & 2 - Uganda

Our days begin with a breakfast of 2 pieces of white bread, a fried egg, and warm milk. Some days we stop by the internet cafe to update people back home. The first morning we ran errands around town to get our rice and beans for dinner and exchange money at the bank. The first afternoon we met our first program member, Jane. She runs a business selling drinks and juices, which is were we stocked up on water. We got a carbonated pineapple drink made by Schweppes that was awesome. Our big project the first day was to go and visit the land where the school will be built. The architect, Alex, came from Kampala and we headed out to the land. We picked which acre from the 3 for the school we wanted. To get a better idea of the size of the school rooms, we went to visit the secondary school here, which houses 600 students ages 12-18. That afternoon we went and visited with more program members and students who were out of school. One member cut down a jackfruit from her tree for us...they are huge!!

Day 2 we headed out to the land with machete's to start clearing it. It's amazing what you can do with a few people! It is so pretty out on the land and the breeze is usually cool. I ended up having to wear a hat and long sleeves because my sunscreen made me break out, but I was perfectly fine. We took a break to try local favorites, which included their white sweet potatoes (they taste just like ours) and a tortilla flatbread type thing that is common here. In the evening, we headed to 2 more program members houses and got updates on their kids. The kids they have taken in are part of our program and can be sponsored. One is a tailor that has fabric and makes clothes and the other has a farm and goes to the market to sell sweet bananas and jackfruit. We got to try fresh passion fruit and watched the sunset, which of course I loved!

Day 3 started out with going back out to the land. Some of the guys from the community came and cleared some more yesterday and it is starting to look amazing! Tonight we will finish visiting with program members. Tomorrow is church day and Sunday we will work with the program members in the morning and then the kids in the afternoon. On Sunday evening, we will head to Kampala so that we can catch the bus to Nairobi on Monday morning.

A few things about Uganda so far: 1 - it is pretty hilly and reminds me of my new home in Tennessee, except there are many fruit trees here. 2 - There is so much fresh fruit here and it is amazing to try it fresh off a tree from one of our program members! 3 - The stars are AMAZING! I literally thought a few were airplanes because they were twinkling so much. 4 - It has been really interesting to be living as a true minority in this village, as the 3 of us in our group are the only white people. Everyone has been welcoming and it has been a great experience so far!

Thanks for all the prayers for our team and our interactions with the program members and their kids!

Quick Update

Hey all! I just have time for a quick update. We are in our second full day in Uganda. Yesterday we ran some errands around town and met with some program members and their kids. This morning we went to the land that was purchased for the new school and cleared it. Pretty sure I'm going to be sore from all of my machete skills ;)

Our travel day was really long and I'm still struggling with jet lag. The devil used the 5 hours I couldn't fall asleep last night to bring on the anxiety.. I was fairly calm until that point, so prayers would be appreciated for a restful sleep tonight. We spent over 30 hours traveling, as traffic from Entebbe to Kiboga was bad and we didn't arrive until 1am on Wednesday morning, which was 5pm Central Time Tuesday after leaving at noon on Monday. Yikes, I'm pretty sure I can take on any traveling after that. Everything is going well here. Our guesthouse is nice and our food has been great. We have eaten all kinds of fresh fruit and seen some amazing stars! Internet is limited for now,  but prayers for continued health and safe travel would be appreciated. Thanks!

Africa: How it happened & What I’ll be doing.

I love to plan. It makes me feel organized and in control. But I’m not the one in control. God is. When my world came crashing down last fall (ok...slightly dramatic there), I realized how much I had planned myself instead of relying on God’s plans. That realization turned into my “year of no plans” (or attempting to…)

On December 31st, I wrote and asked God to start to open doors for a possible trip. In the middle of January I wrote about my year of no plans and said “It is a really odd feeling for me to walk around not having plans for where this year will go. I could continue to do exactly what I am now, I could get a different job, or I could even end up in Africa. Only God knows. My job is to be obedient to Him each day and trust in Him and His plans.” Well, He delivered :)

This past weekend was my last Sunday at Apostles, the church I have called home since November. During communion I broke down because of how specifically God has answered prayers and shown me a plan that not even I could have imagined over the past 10 months. There were so many weeks where instead I broke down during communion, not knowing what God was doing in my life and why things were the way they were. It was surreal to see that come full circle. So...how did Africa happen?

I have no gifting in the medical department, I’m not a teacher, and I don’t have strong muscles for manual labor. Those 3 things are typically what trips involve. As I was in the process of praying about a trip, some things about UTST began to show up on my facebook feed. One of my friends is on their board and there were stories of people who were getting ready to go on a trip. Since they were leaving on a trip, it wasn’t until March that I was able to connect and learn more about what they did. Once I got to know more, I knew this was an organization that I wanted to be involved with due to the way they were fighting poverty with economic empowerment, so I began to help out with some minor finance items here in the states.

They were planning another trip this summer, which I kept as an option in the back of my head, knowing that I was going to start looking for a new job. The beginning of my job search was going slow (all God’s plan), and when I didn’t have anything by the end of May, I had to say no to going on the trip, which was originally scheduled for July. The job I was on in July at EY was a year-end and I knew I couldn’t leave that close to the start of it. So that put my earliest date that I felt comfortable leaving to August 1st. I was really sad, because this was a trip I wanted to go on. However, one of my friends continued to pray for it to happen and for God to open doors. I knew that nothing would change in my situation at EY, so I rolled my eyes a little at her prayers (proof of my struggle trusting God with every little thing).

What I did not realize is that God was working to change the actual dates of the trip (which wasn’t even something that had crossed my mind...shows you how much better and higher His ways and thoughts are than ours!). Everything in my job search process, from the lengthy time it took them to initially call me after I had applied (I was convinced they thought I wasn’t qualified), to delaying it another week so I could visit Nashville, to another week delay due to vacation, brought the timing of my job offer to perfectly align to take the month of August off. The question now was would they allow me to push back my start date to just a month before their year end (9/30). Thankfully, I am going to a Christian company that encourages these kinds of trips and will match my vacation days if I take them for a mission trip in the future. Once I got the green light from them, it was go time! Praise God for His planning that is beyond me.

Many of you have asked specifically what we’ll be doing, so here is a quick summary :)

Uganda: We’ll be working in a rural community.

- Land was recently purchased to start building a school, so we will help to begin to clear the land so a temporary structure can be built.

- 9 women have just finished the UTST training program to receive their business loans within the next few weeks. We will meet with them to go over their business plans and help them to work through their first steps.

-UTST has around 20 kids who are all orphans that they help to sponsor their secondary education. We will check in with all of them.

Kenya: We'll be working in the slums in Nairobi.

- 12 people are currently in the UTST program that have their loans and are running their businesses. We will check in with each of them and help out in whatever way needed with their plans.

- UTST is also hoping to partner with an orphanage in Kenya to support orphans once they get to the age of needing secondary education. We are planning to visit an orphanage or two to help begin a relationship for this.

That’s a lot of people to meet and see in a short amount of time, but I know God has it all planned out! I’m looking forward to building relationships and getting to spend days with people learning what their life is like and the challenges they face. It’s almost time! My chacos got delivered yesterday (yes, I’m joining the club!) and I’m ready to go. 5 days!!!

P.S...some of you have asked how you can be praying. First, please be praying for the people we will be working with and our interactions with them. Additionally, if you could pray for safe and healthy travels for our team, that would be much appreciated!

Life, Love, Africa & Moving.

Hi! So the intention was to start my blog a month or two ago (I even wrote the first post back at the beginning of May!), because of all that God was teaching me in this season of life. But then the past month happened. More of God teaching me His ways, which included traveling, interviewing, working, and decision making. So here’s a quick summary :)

I’m not even sure what to think or feel right now. In one morning, July 15th, I quit my job, accepted a new job that has me moving 4 ½ hours away, and bought a plane ticket to Africa...all within 5 hours of each other. Phew! Ask me 10 months ago and none of that was even a thought in my mind yet (I was convinced I would be planning a wedding and moving to where my then-boyfriend got into med school). Praise God His ways are better than our own. It all hasn’t quite sank in yet, but I am amazed by every small detail of God’s plan in it all.

Everything leading up to the day of decisions was only something He could orchestrate. The past week I have sat in awe, without words to speak, amazed at what He has done. Literally, I have no words. It is beyond amazing and beautiful and a testament to how He loves His children and knows what’s best for us. Always and forever. I hope through this blog I’m able to somewhat put into words to share with you how His ways are always better than our own.

To quickly catch up (there will be more posts on each of these), here’s how the past 10 months have gone. Exactly 9 months prior to that day, and a week after my 25th birthday, my then-boyfriend decided he no longer wanted to be with me. 4 days later, I left to be out of town for 9 weeks straight for work, living out of a hotel room by myself. New responsibilities at work were causing me to be under the most stress I ever had been, which meant being physically sick often. Oh, and I was also searching for a new church home. Cue the quarter-life crisis perfect storm.

Needless to say, it was the hardest season I had been through in life. It sent me to my knees, face down on the floor crying out to God on multiple occasions. Most nights, it was just me and God. I had no one else to turn to and was feeling hurt, lonely, betrayed, and like I couldn’t handle what life was throwing my way. But I had God. A Constant. The One who promises to be with us when we pass through water and walk through fire (Isaiah 43:2). So we became best friends. He took me where I needed to go for Him to be able to teach and mold me. It wasn’t easy, but I learned a lot about both myself and His Love.

So where do Africa and Nashville come in? Let’s start with Africa. Who goes through a quarter-life crisis and says that the next summer they will quit work and go to Africa? This girl! All praise to God for actually answering that crazy claim. Africa, and even more specifically Kenya, has been on my heart ever since I can remember. I’ve always wanted to go there and serve. The problem was I wasn’t plugged in to a church and I didn’t have an organization I wanted to go with, so I started to pray about it. I happened upon Under the Same Tree, found out a good friend is involved with them, and was ready to go. God pulled the reigns when the dates of their trip weren’t going to work out for me. But then, just a few weeks ago, He opened the doors wide. The dates switched, my new job allowed me extended time off before I started, and I booked my ticket.

Now, if you know me, you know I like to be informed and have a plan. I booked my tickets to Africa less than a month before leaving, not even fully sure of what the plan was. This set in as I went to a travel clinic to get my vaccinations. The lady began to ask me questions about sleeping conditions and who would be preparing my food. I had no idea. Still don’t actually. I know I have my plane ticket, got my vaccinations, picked up my Malaria pills...and that’s about it. So unlike me, but so like what God has been doing in my life the past 10 months. (I will find out more specifics, so stay tuned!)

Nashville. As you learn more about the story, this one is more mind-blowing than Africa. I decided I would be leaving EY last fall. So I started to pray some bold, crazy prayers about what God would do and where He would lead me. At the end of December, He planted a seed about Christian jobs, specifically in Nashville, in my head from a blog. It took 7 months of His perfect timing, but the rest is history. For a while I doubted that Nashville was actually a thing. It was always in the back of my head and I had conversations with a friend about it frequently. I kept saying, I guess we’ll see IF Nashville IS actually a thing. I still can’t believe it was...a city I knew nothing about and where I know no one. The way God lead me through the job search process and His timing with everything was something that not even I could have planned out.

So there’s the past 10 months in a nutshell. I can’t wait to go through more of the stories of how God specifically worked later. There are so many small things that were woven into a much bigger picture.  For now, I hope to keep everyone updated on Africa and how things are going in Uganda and Kenya. The countdown is officially on...I leave 2 weeks from today!

The Truth About Idols

Note: I wrote this earlier this summer, but never got around to posting it until now. Hopefully there will be more to come soon as well :)

Whenever I hear the word “idols,” I think about the idols that the Bible describes.  The ones that were gold or wood statues that the people would bow down to and worship.  In my head I get this picture of this flashy, trophy looking thing that people look silly bowing down to.  Since I don’t worship anything like that, I always thought that idols weren’t an issue for me. Boy was I wrong.

God always has a funny way of putting things into your life right when you need them or when they correspond to something else.  As God was beginning to reveal different idols I had in my life, I began a study called No Other Gods: Confronting Our Modern-Day Idols.

I learned that idols aren’t just those statues that were worshiped in the Bible.  They are anything that we put before God. Richard Keyes said “An idol can be a physical object, a property, a person, an activity, a role, an institution, a hope, an image, an idea, a pleasure, a hero—anything that can substitute for God.”

That’s a lot of different things.  There are also things in that list that are good. I always just assumed that idols had to be bad things since they were taking the place of God.  But is a person, a hope, or a pleasure necessarily a bad thing? No. Keyes says, “Idolatry may not involve explicit denials of God’s existence or character. It may well come in the form of an overattachement to something that is, in itself, perfectly good.”

So that awesome hope you have in something for the future, the great new friend you made, the fun sport of volleyball: all of those things are perfectly good.  What turns them into idols is when we get attached to them and let them take the place of God in our lives.

I began to realize that I did that (and still do) with a lot of things in my life. The great new friendship I was building, based around our love of Jesus, was an idol because I easily put it before God.  The sport I had played competitively for 8 years of my life, was an idol because I was playing for reasons other than to glorify God (more on volleyball in another blog). My hopes for the future God has for me were an idol because I was thinking too much about how things could end up instead of going to God and letting Him take control.

I got attached to those things without even realizing that I was letting them be more important than God in my life.  That’s the scary thing. I wasn’t worshipping a statue and saying that God didn’t exist.  I was worshipping God. And I was worshipping God through these things. I just let them be more important than Him. They had a part of the worship of my heart instead of it being fully God’s.

We’re human. We’re always going to be facing idols in our life.  As our lives change, the idols in them will change as well. But we have to be cautious in recognizing them.  It isn’t always the things we think are ‘bad.’  It can be perfectly good and healthy things.  The attachment and devotion we give to them over God is what makes them an idol.  I pray that we start to recognize the idols in our lives that have taken hold of parts of heart and surrender them to Him.  The only way we can get rid of them is by giving them over to Him and letting Him fill our hearts fully instead.

Happy 24th Birthday!

It’s my favorite angel’s 24^th birthday today.  If you haven’t been to the site created by her family in her memory (www.meganboken.com) then go check it out.  It does a much better job than I ever could of explaining how truly awesome she was, although words will never do her justice.

Earlier this week I was on there and saw the clip posted with her interview after she got defensive player of the week.  I clicked on it to listen and immediately paused after she started talking.  It had been so long since I heard her voice.  I clicked play again and she said my name (of course I was the one to tell her that she got the award, that probably doesn't surprise my teammates!). I paused the video again and lost it. Tears were streaming down my face. Yes, I still miss her. And yes, some days are tough. But I’m at peace knowing that she is in a much better place and some day I will join her.

Since it is her birthday, I thought what better than to share some of my favorite memories.  I treasure these so much more now. There are so many I can share, but here are a few that stick out in my mind.

1.     The famous Hawaii airport “who packed the chocolates” incident

This is one of my favorites that gets told over and over again. Basically, when we were leaving Hawaii from our tournament, a lot of people’s bags were over-weight.  We were shuffling around items to get all of our bags under weight. When we all finally got to the terminal, we were hungry, it was 11pm, we had just played a game, and all the food places were closed. So we got the food out of our bags and started throwing stuff around to find the chocolates. They were nowhere to be found. Boken was the last to have them, so all eyes turned on her.  She had put the chocolates in her checked bag and preceded to go off about how she was sorry she checked the chocolates (with a few of her favorite words thrown in there.) If you knew Bokes, you knew it took a lot to upset her and set her off. Luckily, we were all able to immediately laugh about it and we all survived the trip...and enjoyed the chocolates later.

2.     M&F class

Fall of my sophomore year (her senior year) we got lucky enough to plan a class together.  The better thing was that it was a marriage and family class.  This was a perfect class for the two girls that always bonded over being the single ones.  We always had a lot to catch up on in class, drew pictures on each other’s notes, and got yelled at by the teacher to stop talking…A LOT. I’m surprised I ended up with an A in the class because we were definitely not on his good side.

3.     Sunday afternoons

Some of our best quality time was spent on Sunday afternoons.  We nicknamed these “Depressing Sundays” because most people went home. We thought it would have been the perfect days to have boyfriends and hang out with them.  Since we didn’t have boyfriends…we hung out with each other! We would share every detail of our lives (or at least I would), eat whole tubs of Sabra hummus, spend quality time with cheetah blanket, and go for rides in the Jeep.

4.     Locker room Dance

Her famous “Open Swim” dance would come out before every game.  It was the Baywatch theme song, I’m Always Here by Jimi Jamison. At her pool back home, they would play this song when the kids could go back into the pool after a break.  She had a lovely interpretive dance that went with it and became a staple of our pregame routine. The smile and look on her face when she danced to it was priceless, something I always think about when I hear the song.

I love looking back and thinking of all the times we spent together. I’m so thankful for the time I knew her and all the smiles and laughs I got to share with her. She was such a special person and always saw the positive and loved life.  Happy 24^th birthday Bokes, hope you’re having a blast in Heaven J

Friends.

Yesterday, I took a “texting hiatus.” Basically, I didn’t text anyone (except my boss). My phone even decided to help me along because I lost service all afternoon at work. I needed that. The way I stay in contact with people is through texting.  It is my lifeline. It is friend. But I had gotten to the point where I was tired and sick of it and needed a break. It was nice, refreshing, and I threw myself into reading and my work.

Turn to today. God knew I needed the rest yesterday because today was a different story.  My day was filled with conversations about Him.  Days like today blow me away.  I heard about so much hurt and so many struggles.  We all deal with that daily, some are in tougher situations than others.  But I also got to hear stories of how God was working through my friends.  The encouragement I was able to give and the encouragement I was shown was amazing. God is SO GOOD!!! He knows what friends we need in our lives and when we need certain encouragement.

Tonight, I randomly texted a friend from high school that I hadn’t talked to in over a month.  It could not have been better timing.  We caught up a little and the conversation quickly turned to what God was doing in our lives, how we were struggling, and what we were trying to work on. WOW! We were both able to encourage each other from what we were going through.

This semester I was also reminded of how God places friendships into our life when we need them. I was starting my new grad program and didn’t have many friends at home.  The one MBA class I had ended up having a girl in it.  Her name was familiar because I knew she had interned for FCA, where I was now working.  Once we figured out who each other was, God placed such an encouraging friendship into my life.  It was exactly what I needed.  She helped me in so many ways throughout the semester when it came to school, guys, life in general, and now as I am getting ready for FCA camp.  She’s been through camps the past two summers and knows what I’m going through.  Her encouragement and prayer makes me want to encourage those around me more. It’s amazing and she is amazing.  I was able to help her out a bit as she moved to St. Louis recently.  It was almost as though we flipped spots this summer.  I’m so thankful that God knew what He was doing when He placed us in class together semester. It was literally all Him!

God knows exactly what we need. Some days, we need a break and time to focus on Him.  Other days, He knows we have friends that need us more or we are the ones that need encouragement. Finally, He’s got our back.  He places friendships into our lives when we need them the most.  Never doubt that He always has our best interest in mind J

A Happy Medium

I often get stuck in a situation that frustrates me. Sometimes I move on and say “I’m fine.”   That ends up backfiring because eventually, I’ve held in how I really felt for so long that I blow up.  Other times, I blow up right at the beginning, make accusations, and throw out every detail of how I think I’m feeling at the moment.  Either way, I end up blowing up and let my emotions get the best of me.

There is a fine line with being honest and truthful and doing it in a way that shows care and genuine concern.  This is something I struggle with.  In the moment, it’s easy to get caught up and start going on about every little thing I feel about the situation.  Or if I don’t want to deal with it, I just say “I’m fine.” (Hint: Saying I’m fine is usually code for…I’m really not ok, something’s wrong)

Girls have emotions (guys…deal with it).  God made us this way.  Many girls are over-dramatic and let their emotions get out of control.  I’m not perfect and this happens to me.  But God made us this way for a purpose.  As girls, we have to learn to use our emotions in a way that glorifies Him.  This means taking a step back and thinking before we react.  We have to learn to control the beautiful gift of emotions that we’ve been given.

I’ve had several conversations over the past few days revolving around this.  I’m currently in a situation that has been frustrating me more and more lately.  The book Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst came up the other night. I haven’t read it yet, but it is on my list.  I came across this related to the book, Pretending I'm Fine or Proving I'm Right  It is short, so take the time to go and read it (girls AND guys).  But here is what I took most out of it.

Pretending that you’re fine isn’t ok.  That isn’t being truthful and it won’t get you anywhere.  We’ll eventually “erupt” with all of the “it’s fine’s” that we’ve thrown out there.  We have a right to say how we feel and if we’ve been hurt.  But we need to do this in a cautious way.  In the heat of the moment, we may feel a lot of things that aren’t our true, honest emotions.  We want to be right and prove to the person that they’ve hurt us and why.  So we go off on tangents, make assumptions, and end up spewing out things without thinking.  We need to stop, consider their point of view, and think about what the real, true facts in the situation are.

This is tough.  In my situation right now, it’s easier for me to say “I’m fine” and not deal with it.  This is going to come back and bite me though.  So I’m working on it.  Working to find that happy medium of being truthful and honest, with what the actual facts of the situation are. not anything that I let my emotions over-react on.  It isn’t easy, but it isn’t impossible either.  God wouldn’t let us have emotions if He wasn’t also going to help us with them.  So the next time you are frustrated, hurt, or angry, pause for a second.  Don’t put off the situation and don’t blow up.  Be honest, you owe it to yourself.  But do it in a way that is careful and understanding of the other person as well.  You'll be glad you did later.

End of the Semester.

The semester is over. I’m half way done with my Master’s. And I’d like to think I’m a lot wiser after this semester ;)

I go through times in my life where I wonder what exactly God is doing. I pray for clarity on things I’m going through and where I’m headed. This semester was one of those times. I always wondered why God had me come home for grad school.  I didn’t question Him, but it’s almost as if I was waiting to see why. Well, He definitely  showed me that this semester.

It wasn’t until about 3 weeks ago I started to see all of this.  Just proof that He has a plan and I have to keep trusting in it at all times.

Friends. God had a plan to stretch me.  I had to figure out how to deal with practically all of my friendships being long-distance.  This was going from the most social semester I had had last fall. Luckily, my friendships got so much stronger because of this.  It’s amazing what a simple text from someone can do and how it can change your day. Or a quick catch-up Skype to check in on each other.  I lived for those moments this semester and it reminded me again how precious time and friendships are.  Make the time to let those close to you know that you care about them before you don’t have that chance anymore. (I’ll write another blog on new friendships later)

Clarity. This was something I prayed a lot for this semester. There were a few different things, but there was one big thing. I like knowing things and I wanted to follow what God had planned for me. But He had a different plan. After about two months of praying for clarity on a situation, I finally came to a decision myself.  A few days later, God clarified it and showed that I had made the right decision. Funny how that worked out. But He taught me to be patient and not expect Him to give me every answer right as I want it.  That’s not how He works and in His timing He will reveal His plan to us (I think I need this reminder every morning!)

Small group. At the beginning of the semester, I wasn’t sure how things were going to go with my small group of 8^th grade girls. Thankfully, God had a plan to grow me and equip me.  There is no way I could have connected with them like I was able to without His help.  Kids that age were something I never considered to be a strength of mine.  But He was able to provide me with the right things to say and encouragement for them. I enjoyed it so much and am thankful for the blessing they have been in my life as well.

These are just a few things. Now that I have more time, I’ll try to blog more. There are so many more awesome things God did in my life. I’m realizing why I came home this semester.  As much as I wanted to stay in St. Louis, I wouldn’t have had all of these amazing opportunities to grow.  I wouldn’t have been able to speak at all the schools I did for FCA, meet with my small group girls each week, or learn to grow my friendships through texts of encouragement. He has truly changed my heart this semester. I don’t know what the future holds yet, and thankfully, I don’t have to worry. I know when the time is right He will reveal it to me. Until then, I am taking each day for the opportunities that it gives and looking forward to continuing to see how He works!!

Contentment and Patience.

This is a short snippit of something I’m dealing with.  It’s tough for me to write because I like to think I’m strong and independent and can take care of myself.  I like being a rock for my friends by pouring out to them and don’t want to look like I am struggling. But the truth is, we’re all struggling.  We’re human. We sin. We need God. Because without Him, we are nothing.




Contentment is the feeling or showing satisfaction with one’s possessions, status, or situation.

Patience is being steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity.

Everything had been going good. I was too busy to realize otherwise between class, work, working out, and the amount of homework I had. Then one weekend things slowed down and I sat down to re-read a previous study I had done.  It talked about being a Lady of Contentment. The book was mostly relating it to guys/relationships [which is an area the devil has really been testing and tempting me lately, and I have been learning SO MUCH…but that could be a whole other blog by itself.] Anyways, as I was reading I started to realize that I wasn’t content with where God had me.

I wasn’t in control of my life and I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore. And that scared me.  If you know me at all, you know that I like to know everything. I’m on top of things and figure out what I don’t know.  So it absolutely scares me that I don’t know what I want to do with my life.

I feel homesick, but I’m living at home. So where am I homesick for? I like accounting, but some of the stuff I study I just don’t care about. Is this even what I want to do anymore?  Some of my friends are talking about engagement, and I don’t even have a boyfriend. Will I ever have a family? [ok, so that’s me being dramatic and selfish, but that’s what goes through my head sometimes]

Instead of giving it all to God, I start to freak out and then it all goes spinning downward.  And then I get frustrated because I don’t have the answers.  Only God has the answers. This is where the patience comes in, through difficulty and adversity.  God isn’t going to tell me what I’ll be doing when I graduate in December or where I’ll be going.  He isn’t going to tell me if I’ll have a family or who ‘Mr. Right’ is. Not yet at least.  He doesn’t work that way.

So I have to be patient until, when the time is right, He reveals to me what He is doing.  I have to trust that he has a reason for where I am right now.  I have to be content with what He has planned. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."  So now I am trying to embrace what He has put into my life and the position I’m in.  This is a season I will never experience again, so it’s time for me to see it as that and use it for His good.  There are so many blessings and opportunities each day that I miss if I don’t fully rely and look to Him each day.

As I’ve been struggling with this the past few weeks [yes, this has been ongoing with good and bad days for me] a few helpful things have popped up from friends. The first is the song Trust You by Brandon Heath.  Here’s a link to a video with the lyrics. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBx7YR4d2nA  It’s an awesome song and perfectly describes my life. Finally, I’m going to end with my new favorite verses that I turn to multiple times throughout the day now. They’re popular verses but The Message version really hits home with me.

“Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track. Don’t assume that you know it all. Run to God!” Proverbs 3:5-7 (The Message)

Realize that God has a reason for where you are right now.  We have to be content with that.  Embrace it and enjoy it, because you won’t be in this exact same situation again.  Be patient and know that He’ll reveal His plan to you when He’s ready [even if it is down to wire].  Have a blessed day :)

My Favorite Angel

Note: I wrote this blog right before I found out another young person I knew from a few years back passed away. It’s just another reminder of how short life is.  Live it to the fullest.  Love God, do what you love, and love those around you. You may not get another tomorrow, so make the most of today.

My breath still gets taken away. Tears still come to my eyes. The memories are still there.

It’s been 6 months since the horrible day I wish never happened.  Everyday I still think about her.  I still long to talk to her, hear her laugh, or get her advice.  I miss our crazy stories and boy updates, watching the Bachelor, and the texts we sent each other on lonely Sunday afternoons.

But it’s been 6 months.  I don't really talk about it anymore.  In the beginning, I was very open and talked about everything.  If I needed to talk, I could go to a number of friends and cry on their shoulder.  If someone asked how I was doing, I openly shared how I was really doing.  There were lots of tears and lots of sharing.

My feelings haven’t changed.  As time goes on, it doesn’t get any easier.  You just learn to accept the reality over and over again each day.  Some days are harder than others as something comes up I just really wish I could tell her or a new season of the Bachelor is on. (Her dream was to be on that show and become a reality star. We even went through the application until we got to the part where you had to film a short video.)  The only difference is I don’t talk about it anymore.  I still find tears streaming from my eyes as I shower some days and rolling down my face as I drive alone.  When my really good friends ask me how I am, I just say I had an emotional day and talk about everything else that happened.

Someone told me right after this had happened that it would be hard months in the future, when some people had moved on, but you hadn’t.  I understand what they meant now.  It’s like there is some unwritten code that 3 months after something like this has happened, you’re supposed to “be ok.”  But I’ve learned that it’s ok to miss that person and break down for a good cry sometimes.  You don't always have to be ok.  We shouldn’t have to hide it because we’re afraid that we’re supposed to be ‘over it’ by now.  Whenever I have a good boy story, I’m always going to miss Boken because she is the one I went to with those.  I smile now knowing she already knows everything I wanted to tell her.  Every story, every text, every lucky penny…she knows and is watching over me.  I’m thankful that I have God to trust in and that He gives me peace about this.  He gives me new hope each day and comfort knowing that Boken is with Him and some day I will be able to join them in Heaven. But for this little while here on earth, I know I have my favorite angel watching over me. “The world’s not the same without her, but it’s better because she was here.”

Life Update: Part #1

As I thought about writing this blog, I was conflicted.  I’ve wanted to do an update blog on how my life has been going and all the awesome things God has done so far.  But before I got that blog wrote, yesterday came along.  Yesterday brought struggles, questions, tears, and what ifs…out of the blue.  But God’s been doing some awesome things, so here’s the first part.

I didn’t know what God had planned for me this semester at home, but I knew if I trusted in Him, it would be something great.  Since FCA was a big part of my time at SLU, I knew I wanted to somehow get involved in the FCA back at home.  I went in to meet with my area representative to see how I could get involved volunteering, one thing led to another, and I ended up accepting a part-time job.  It will last the 10 months I’m at home and is a perfect mix between budgeting and planning (my school background) and camps and huddle groups (where my heart is).  Honestly, I couldn’t have wrote a job description for a more perfect job.  God was 100% in control of this and just so many little things about it prove that it was totally Him. I could go on and on about how perfectly this worked out, but that would take a whole blog.

I also got involved helping out with the Jr. High youth group at my church.  Jr. High is such an interesting age, but I love my small group of 8^th grade girls.  There have already been instances where I can see why God placed certain things into my life, especially last semester.  I grew so much from them and can now relate to those going through similar issues.

School is ridiculously hard.  I don’t think I quite knew what I was signing up for.  The amount of readings, research articles, and papers I have is crazy.  I think I’ve learned more in my first month of grad school than maybe my whole undergrad combined (kidding…kind of).  If grad school was more than a year for me, I don’t think I would last.  So my off days are filled with homework, along with my weekends.  It’s making up for all the time I didn’t spend on homework during my undergrad. But, so far all of my classes are going well.  I like most of my teachers, I like most of my class topics, and I’ve finally made friends in my classes.

I’ve been able to visit SLU twice already and see everyone.  This has helped so much.  It is weird every time I go back there (especially when I see someone else living in my old room), but I know I had to move on with my life.  I’ve been able to escape the drama of volleyball (for the most part) and it’s been good for my health, mental and physical.  I’ve almost gotten into normal workout routine and even found a Pilates class I like.  Being on my own and not around many friends, I’ve become independent in a different way.  It’s given me a lot of time to focus on my relationship with God.  I’ve been starting out my mornings with coffee or tea (so grown up!) and reading His Word.  It’s amazing how much I have started to crave the Word and learning more about how to live my life.

God has been working in my life is so many ways.  I’m finally into my weekly routine and have a handle on all of my classes.  My days consist of school, homework, work, and working out, but it keeps me busy and focused.  There are so many little things each day that I could go on about that remind me He does have a plan for me being here, in this situation.  So for the time being, I’m working on putting all of my trust in Him and finding peace in the situations I’m in.

The New Kid

Life got busy with grad school. I promise I have some blogs written and will post them soon. For now, here's one from my first week of school in January.

Being the new kid never gets easier...for me at least.

This week I started grad school.  A new program. A new school. In the middle of a school year.  In fact, I had never even walked across the quad at ISU and I'd only been in the b-school college of business once. I only know a handful of people that even go to ISU, let alone any that were going to be in my classes.

So I was sent back to my shy, quiet days.  It was literally like my first day of high school at U-high all over again.  This wasn't your typical first day of a semester, where you know what building you're walking to, you're familiar with the classrooms, you have seen at least a few people in your class, and if you're lucky, there's people you know in your class. This was different.

I had to find a parking lot I'd never been to and make a walk I'd never made.  I found my classroom and awkwardly walked in and sat in a spot that was safe away from anyone else.  Everyone else had their friends they already knew and sat by them.  This brought out the shy girl in me as I sat there and didn't say a word.  I didn't really plan on talking to anyone.

Luckily, a nice girl sat next to me in my first class and started small talk. This is when I realized that I was going to have to start the process of making new friends all over again.  Even if it was just friends that I talked to in class, I knew absolutely no one.  And if I wanted to go through the semester and not be mute and not say a word to anyone, then I had to make new friends.

This was a hard realization.  I was happy and content with my friends at SLU and the few I had at home.  I didn't really need new friends, but the semester was going to be miserable if I didn't.  Luckily, someone went out of their way, sat next to me, and started that process that I was too scared to start myself.  I'm thankful for that, because if not, I would have sat there alone in silence for a while.

So if you're ever in a situation where there's someone new, don't be afraid to reach out.  Introduce yourself. Say hi. Start small talk. Just that one small gesture that may seem mindless to you can mean more to them than you know.

Update: School was a lot easier after the first week (more to come on that) and thankfully I've made some friends along the way :)

4 Months & A Million Tears.

4 months. This is a relatively short amount of time, especially when you’ve been around for 22 years. But no 4 months have been as long as or changed me as much as the past 4. Today I finished my final class and bachelor’s degree at SLU.  I moved back home.  And it is the 4-month anniversary of the day one of my best friends passed away.

Rewind to August 17, 2012. Life was great. My senior volleyball season was starting, everything was in line for school, I just signed a job offer, and my relationship with God couldn’t have been better (I thought).  My summer was full of growing and I had never felt so close to God and what he was doing each day in my life.

August 18^th, 2012—the day I lost one of my best friends.  To this day I still struggle. I often find myself questioning, ‘Did this really happen. Is it real life that she’s gone.’ So many things happen and I just want to talk to her.  So many moments happen where I think, ‘I just want to text Boken.’ I smile realizing that she already knows everything, but it makes me sad that I can’t see her reaction, hear her laugh, or know her smart remarks and advice.

That day started the toughest semester and 4 months of my life.  At this point, everything seemed to go wrong.  I was always sick, my family members were sick, I got hurt, school was overwhelming, and volleyball was miserable.  At one point, I hated volleyball and because my life felt like it was only volleyball and school with my crazy schedule, I started to hate SLU too.  During all of this time I had to make the decision to graduate from SLU and move back home to attend ISU for grad school (2 of the things I said I would never do were move back home and attend ISU) School wise, it was my worst semester and everything piled up at once.  I was stressed to the max and from everything I wasn’t myself.  I was someone who was quick to anger and not full of joy.

It literally seemed like I could not catch a break.  My showers turned into sobbing sessions and my weekly talks with friends turned into me crying and wondering what exactly was going on in my life.  I knew God was there and present in my life, giving me blessings along the way.  I tried to see them.  I tried to focus on them.  I just couldn’t do it.  I would have 3 or 4 good days and start reading my Bible and then bam, something else would happen.  It started to be all I was focusing on.  I knew I had to stay focused on the positives and see the joy in my life that I had from Christ.  I’d told people that so many times.  I’d given them verses to read and prayed for them.  Now here I was in that exact same situation and I couldn’t take my own advice.  I would try my hardest, but it wouldn’t work.  I would break down and cry because I knew God was there and I was blessed in so many ways, I just wouldn’t believe it and trust in Him.  I got so frustrated with myself.  I was a senior and a leader of our FCA.  How could I do that when I didn’t even believe what I said.

To me, my relationship with God was at a standstill for the whole semester.  I remember thinking, one day I’ll learn and grow from this and it will be a great testimony, but right now, how am I going to survive this?  God got put on the back-burner as my crazy semester unraveled.  I never doubted that He left me or that He wouldn’t take care of me, I just couldn’t get myself to trust in Him that this was all a part of His plan for me.  Subconsciously, I think I didn’t devote the time I should have to Him because I didn’t understand what He was doing.

Now it’s December 18^th.  My horrible, stressful, never-ending semester has finally come to an end and I can say I’m so much stronger because of it.  I’ve learned that perspective does a lot for you.  A little time away from volleyball and SLU rekindled my love for both.  As the semester ended, I was able to look back and see all that God did in my life this semester.  Throughout the semester, I had an amazing group of people who stuck by my side.  There were the friends that were there for a crying shoulder and tearful talk, ones who were up for a last-minute get-away, those who kept encouraging me, and those who would ask me how I really was doing and challenge my relationship with God.  The relationships I built this semester are the deepest ones I’ve ever had and are true blessings from God.

James 1:2-4 says “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”  This hung on my locker on a sticky note the whole year.  I looked at it each day, but it took me time to understand it.  My relationship with God in early August was as close to earthly ‘perfection’ as I thought it could be at the time.  My relationship with God is nowhere near that right now, but it is so much stronger.  My faith was tested in so many ways.  Without that, I wouldn’t know that God is there with you through every point in your life.  Every valley and cry, exhaustion and pain, He is there.  He doesn’t leave your side.  You can push Him away, not pay attention to Him, and forget about Him, but He doesn’t forget about you.  He is right there by your side, loving you and setting your life plan into motion.  He does not get impatient and tired of waiting for you.  No matter how long it takes, He still loves you and continues to bless you each and every day.  This does not change.  What changes is the way that you look at the things around you.  You stop seeing all the negative and trying to figure out why everything is happening.  Instead, you see all the blessings and are thankful for the opportunities and moments you get.

The past 4 months has made me stronger.  Through all of the tears and pain, I grew. Being at the end of my time at SLU, I have started to see why I came to SLU and what just a little of my purpose was.  I’ll never fully understand, but looking back, I know 100% that it was all in God’s plan.  I could hit myself for ever doubting His plan for my life.  I still struggle every day knowing that Boken isn’t here.  It never gets easier, but each day goes on and the memories of her stay alive.  On August 17^th, I could have never imagined where my life is today.  Even though the past 4 months were the hardest of my life, I wouldn’t trade them for anything because of the blessings that came from them and the way I grew.  God has a great plan and He’s showed me that even though they were tough, the positives that came from these 4 months were so much better.

It's just the dark...before the morning.

"Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see.

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on and just fight the good fight
because the pain that you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning"

Tonight, this song came on my itunes shuffle.  I couldn't help but think that this song describes my semester perfectly.  As I sit here at almost 1am on the night before my first final, it couldn't be more true. It's like it's 5am in my life right now, right before the sun starts to rise.  I feel like I've been in the dark this whole semester.   Maybe one day I'll be able to see why everything that happened this semester did.  Maybe all the pain I felt this semester will be drowned out by joy soon.  Any maybe, the morning will come soon.  Until then...I'll keep holding on to the only one that gives me hope...

"and hold on, cause there's good for those who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture."

Before the Morning -- Josh Wilson

Blessed.

Tonight, I was extremely blessed. It was my last FCA of the semester and everyone gathered around and prayed for me. It meant the world to me. When I came to SLU, I had no idea what God had planned for me here. Over the past semester, I began to realize the relationships that He put into my life was one of the main reasons I was here. Tonight amazed me when I heard all of the prayers. Each person that was there is special to me in their own way and I'm so glad I've been able to meet them. He is so amazing and I'm so thankful for the family I have here at SLU. It goes off of my last post about the people that I've met here and how I couldn't have imagined this my freshman year. God works in wonderful ways. Tonight just reinforced that while I may not realize what He is doing at the time, God always has a plan for my life and knows what is best for me. All I have to do is trust in Him and I will begin to see the fruit of His work

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