My Favorite Angel

Note: I wrote this blog right before I found out another young person I knew from a few years back passed away. It’s just another reminder of how short life is.  Live it to the fullest.  Love God, do what you love, and love those around you. You may not get another tomorrow, so make the most of today.

My breath still gets taken away. Tears still come to my eyes. The memories are still there.

It’s been 6 months since the horrible day I wish never happened.  Everyday I still think about her.  I still long to talk to her, hear her laugh, or get her advice.  I miss our crazy stories and boy updates, watching the Bachelor, and the texts we sent each other on lonely Sunday afternoons.

But it’s been 6 months.  I don't really talk about it anymore.  In the beginning, I was very open and talked about everything.  If I needed to talk, I could go to a number of friends and cry on their shoulder.  If someone asked how I was doing, I openly shared how I was really doing.  There were lots of tears and lots of sharing.

My feelings haven’t changed.  As time goes on, it doesn’t get any easier.  You just learn to accept the reality over and over again each day.  Some days are harder than others as something comes up I just really wish I could tell her or a new season of the Bachelor is on. (Her dream was to be on that show and become a reality star. We even went through the application until we got to the part where you had to film a short video.)  The only difference is I don’t talk about it anymore.  I still find tears streaming from my eyes as I shower some days and rolling down my face as I drive alone.  When my really good friends ask me how I am, I just say I had an emotional day and talk about everything else that happened.

Someone told me right after this had happened that it would be hard months in the future, when some people had moved on, but you hadn’t.  I understand what they meant now.  It’s like there is some unwritten code that 3 months after something like this has happened, you’re supposed to “be ok.”  But I’ve learned that it’s ok to miss that person and break down for a good cry sometimes.  You don't always have to be ok.  We shouldn’t have to hide it because we’re afraid that we’re supposed to be ‘over it’ by now.  Whenever I have a good boy story, I’m always going to miss Boken because she is the one I went to with those.  I smile now knowing she already knows everything I wanted to tell her.  Every story, every text, every lucky penny…she knows and is watching over me.  I’m thankful that I have God to trust in and that He gives me peace about this.  He gives me new hope each day and comfort knowing that Boken is with Him and some day I will be able to join them in Heaven. But for this little while here on earth, I know I have my favorite angel watching over me. “The world’s not the same without her, but it’s better because she was here.”