4 months. This is a relatively short amount of time, especially when you’ve been around for 22 years. But no 4 months have been as long as or changed me as much as the past 4. Today I finished my final class and bachelor’s degree at SLU. I moved back home. And it is the 4-month anniversary of the day one of my best friends passed away.
Rewind to August 17, 2012. Life was great. My senior volleyball season was starting, everything was in line for school, I just signed a job offer, and my relationship with God couldn’t have been better (I thought). My summer was full of growing and I had never felt so close to God and what he was doing each day in my life.
August 18th, 2012—the day I lost one of my best friends. To this day I still struggle. I often find myself questioning, ‘Did this really happen. Is it real life that she’s gone.’ So many things happen and I just want to talk to her. So many moments happen where I think, ‘I just want to text Boken.’ I smile realizing that she already knows everything, but it makes me sad that I can’t see her reaction, hear her laugh, or know her smart remarks and advice.
That day started the toughest semester and 4 months of my life. At this point, everything seemed to go wrong. I was always sick, my family members were sick, I got hurt, school was overwhelming, and volleyball was miserable. At one point, I hated volleyball and because my life felt like it was only volleyball and school with my crazy schedule, I started to hate SLU too. During all of this time I had to make the decision to graduate from SLU and move back home to attend ISU for grad school (2 of the things I said I would never do were move back home and attend ISU) School wise, it was my worst semester and everything piled up at once. I was stressed to the max and from everything I wasn’t myself. I was someone who was quick to anger and not full of joy.
It literally seemed like I could not catch a break. My showers turned into sobbing sessions and my weekly talks with friends turned into me crying and wondering what exactly was going on in my life. I knew God was there and present in my life, giving me blessings along the way. I tried to see them. I tried to focus on them. I just couldn’t do it. I would have 3 or 4 good days and start reading my Bible and then bam, something else would happen. It started to be all I was focusing on. I knew I had to stay focused on the positives and see the joy in my life that I had from Christ. I’d told people that so many times. I’d given them verses to read and prayed for them. Now here I was in that exact same situation and I couldn’t take my own advice. I would try my hardest, but it wouldn’t work. I would break down and cry because I knew God was there and I was blessed in so many ways, I just wouldn’t believe it and trust in Him. I got so frustrated with myself. I was a senior and a leader of our FCA. How could I do that when I didn’t even believe what I said.
To me, my relationship with God was at a standstill for the whole semester. I remember thinking, one day I’ll learn and grow from this and it will be a great testimony, but right now, how am I going to survive this? God got put on the back-burner as my crazy semester unraveled. I never doubted that He left me or that He wouldn’t take care of me, I just couldn’t get myself to trust in Him that this was all a part of His plan for me. Subconsciously, I think I didn’t devote the time I should have to Him because I didn’t understand what He was doing.
Now it’s December 18th. My horrible, stressful, never-ending semester has finally come to an end and I can say I’m so much stronger because of it. I’ve learned that perspective does a lot for you. A little time away from volleyball and SLU rekindled my love for both. As the semester ended, I was able to look back and see all that God did in my life this semester. Throughout the semester, I had an amazing group of people who stuck by my side. There were the friends that were there for a crying shoulder and tearful talk, ones who were up for a last-minute get-away, those who kept encouraging me, and those who would ask me how I really was doing and challenge my relationship with God. The relationships I built this semester are the deepest ones I’ve ever had and are true blessings from God.
James 1:2-4 says “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” This hung on my locker on a sticky note the whole year. I looked at it each day, but it took me time to understand it. My relationship with God in early August was as close to earthly ‘perfection’ as I thought it could be at the time. My relationship with God is nowhere near that right now, but it is so much stronger. My faith was tested in so many ways. Without that, I wouldn’t know that God is there with you through every point in your life. Every valley and cry, exhaustion and pain, He is there. He doesn’t leave your side. You can push Him away, not pay attention to Him, and forget about Him, but He doesn’t forget about you. He is right there by your side, loving you and setting your life plan into motion. He does not get impatient and tired of waiting for you. No matter how long it takes, He still loves you and continues to bless you each and every day. This does not change. What changes is the way that you look at the things around you. You stop seeing all the negative and trying to figure out why everything is happening. Instead, you see all the blessings and are thankful for the opportunities and moments you get.
The past 4 months has made me stronger. Through all of the tears and pain, I grew. Being at the end of my time at SLU, I have started to see why I came to SLU and what just a little of my purpose was. I’ll never fully understand, but looking back, I know 100% that it was all in God’s plan. I could hit myself for ever doubting His plan for my life. I still struggle every day knowing that Boken isn’t here. It never gets easier, but each day goes on and the memories of her stay alive. On August 17th, I could have never imagined where my life is today. Even though the past 4 months were the hardest of my life, I wouldn’t trade them for anything because of the blessings that came from them and the way I grew. God has a great plan and He’s showed me that even though they were tough, the positives that came from these 4 months were so much better.
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