4 Months & A Million Tears.

4 months. This is a relatively short amount of time, especially when you’ve been around for 22 years. But no 4 months have been as long as or changed me as much as the past 4. Today I finished my final class and bachelor’s degree at SLU.  I moved back home.  And it is the 4-month anniversary of the day one of my best friends passed away.

Rewind to August 17, 2012. Life was great. My senior volleyball season was starting, everything was in line for school, I just signed a job offer, and my relationship with God couldn’t have been better (I thought).  My summer was full of growing and I had never felt so close to God and what he was doing each day in my life.

August 18^th, 2012—the day I lost one of my best friends.  To this day I still struggle. I often find myself questioning, ‘Did this really happen. Is it real life that she’s gone.’ So many things happen and I just want to talk to her.  So many moments happen where I think, ‘I just want to text Boken.’ I smile realizing that she already knows everything, but it makes me sad that I can’t see her reaction, hear her laugh, or know her smart remarks and advice.

That day started the toughest semester and 4 months of my life.  At this point, everything seemed to go wrong.  I was always sick, my family members were sick, I got hurt, school was overwhelming, and volleyball was miserable.  At one point, I hated volleyball and because my life felt like it was only volleyball and school with my crazy schedule, I started to hate SLU too.  During all of this time I had to make the decision to graduate from SLU and move back home to attend ISU for grad school (2 of the things I said I would never do were move back home and attend ISU) School wise, it was my worst semester and everything piled up at once.  I was stressed to the max and from everything I wasn’t myself.  I was someone who was quick to anger and not full of joy.

It literally seemed like I could not catch a break.  My showers turned into sobbing sessions and my weekly talks with friends turned into me crying and wondering what exactly was going on in my life.  I knew God was there and present in my life, giving me blessings along the way.  I tried to see them.  I tried to focus on them.  I just couldn’t do it.  I would have 3 or 4 good days and start reading my Bible and then bam, something else would happen.  It started to be all I was focusing on.  I knew I had to stay focused on the positives and see the joy in my life that I had from Christ.  I’d told people that so many times.  I’d given them verses to read and prayed for them.  Now here I was in that exact same situation and I couldn’t take my own advice.  I would try my hardest, but it wouldn’t work.  I would break down and cry because I knew God was there and I was blessed in so many ways, I just wouldn’t believe it and trust in Him.  I got so frustrated with myself.  I was a senior and a leader of our FCA.  How could I do that when I didn’t even believe what I said.

To me, my relationship with God was at a standstill for the whole semester.  I remember thinking, one day I’ll learn and grow from this and it will be a great testimony, but right now, how am I going to survive this?  God got put on the back-burner as my crazy semester unraveled.  I never doubted that He left me or that He wouldn’t take care of me, I just couldn’t get myself to trust in Him that this was all a part of His plan for me.  Subconsciously, I think I didn’t devote the time I should have to Him because I didn’t understand what He was doing.

Now it’s December 18^th.  My horrible, stressful, never-ending semester has finally come to an end and I can say I’m so much stronger because of it.  I’ve learned that perspective does a lot for you.  A little time away from volleyball and SLU rekindled my love for both.  As the semester ended, I was able to look back and see all that God did in my life this semester.  Throughout the semester, I had an amazing group of people who stuck by my side.  There were the friends that were there for a crying shoulder and tearful talk, ones who were up for a last-minute get-away, those who kept encouraging me, and those who would ask me how I really was doing and challenge my relationship with God.  The relationships I built this semester are the deepest ones I’ve ever had and are true blessings from God.

James 1:2-4 says “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”  This hung on my locker on a sticky note the whole year.  I looked at it each day, but it took me time to understand it.  My relationship with God in early August was as close to earthly ‘perfection’ as I thought it could be at the time.  My relationship with God is nowhere near that right now, but it is so much stronger.  My faith was tested in so many ways.  Without that, I wouldn’t know that God is there with you through every point in your life.  Every valley and cry, exhaustion and pain, He is there.  He doesn’t leave your side.  You can push Him away, not pay attention to Him, and forget about Him, but He doesn’t forget about you.  He is right there by your side, loving you and setting your life plan into motion.  He does not get impatient and tired of waiting for you.  No matter how long it takes, He still loves you and continues to bless you each and every day.  This does not change.  What changes is the way that you look at the things around you.  You stop seeing all the negative and trying to figure out why everything is happening.  Instead, you see all the blessings and are thankful for the opportunities and moments you get.

The past 4 months has made me stronger.  Through all of the tears and pain, I grew. Being at the end of my time at SLU, I have started to see why I came to SLU and what just a little of my purpose was.  I’ll never fully understand, but looking back, I know 100% that it was all in God’s plan.  I could hit myself for ever doubting His plan for my life.  I still struggle every day knowing that Boken isn’t here.  It never gets easier, but each day goes on and the memories of her stay alive.  On August 17^th, I could have never imagined where my life is today.  Even though the past 4 months were the hardest of my life, I wouldn’t trade them for anything because of the blessings that came from them and the way I grew.  God has a great plan and He’s showed me that even though they were tough, the positives that came from these 4 months were so much better.

It's just the dark...before the morning.

"Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see.

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on and just fight the good fight
because the pain that you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning"

Tonight, this song came on my itunes shuffle.  I couldn't help but think that this song describes my semester perfectly.  As I sit here at almost 1am on the night before my first final, it couldn't be more true. It's like it's 5am in my life right now, right before the sun starts to rise.  I feel like I've been in the dark this whole semester.   Maybe one day I'll be able to see why everything that happened this semester did.  Maybe all the pain I felt this semester will be drowned out by joy soon.  Any maybe, the morning will come soon.  Until then...I'll keep holding on to the only one that gives me hope...

"and hold on, cause there's good for those who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture."

Before the Morning -- Josh Wilson

Blessed.

Tonight, I was extremely blessed. It was my last FCA of the semester and everyone gathered around and prayed for me. It meant the world to me. When I came to SLU, I had no idea what God had planned for me here. Over the past semester, I began to realize the relationships that He put into my life was one of the main reasons I was here. Tonight amazed me when I heard all of the prayers. Each person that was there is special to me in their own way and I'm so glad I've been able to meet them. He is so amazing and I'm so thankful for the family I have here at SLU. It goes off of my last post about the people that I've met here and how I couldn't have imagined this my freshman year. God works in wonderful ways. Tonight just reinforced that while I may not realize what He is doing at the time, God always has a plan for my life and knows what is best for me. All I have to do is trust in Him and I will begin to see the fruit of His work

.

Friends and Family...the SLU way.

When I came to college 3 1/2 years ago, I was a quiet, reserved, anti-social person that had lived a sheltered life (ok, that's kind of an extreme way of putting it). But really.  Freshman fall at college my friends consisted of the girls on the volleyball team and about 6 girls on my floor.  That was it.  I didn't talk to anyone in classes, I didn't talk to other athletes, I didn't even talk in U101.  Fast forward 3 years.  I'm now the President of SAAC and run FCA.  I even taught a U101 class this semester.  That means I know a lot of people now.  I hang out with seniors, I have friends on every team, and I even know the freshmen.  Between a Christmas party last night and a SAAC event tonight, I saw a lot of athletes.  It's a lot of friendships that I couldn't have imagined having my freshmen year.  A lot of people I didn't think I'd ever talk to.  But through being an athlete, I was brought into a family at SLU.  It was a family where I grew and was able to meet so many people.  They surrounded me every day at practices, in the weight room, at sporting events, in classes, and around campus.  Walking by, they would always give me a smile and say hi.  One of the special things about being a Billiken is the family that you have within the athletic department and how they make your time at SLU special. That family has been something that I took for granted. It's something I'm going to miss and it won't quite be the same next semester without it.  Thankfully, I'm not that quiet girl I was freshman year anymore and can hopefully make friends a little quicker than I did back then.  It just won't be quite the same though.

Remember These Nights...

Lately, all I've been doing is thinking and reflecting. Remembering and reflecting.  And reflecting.  A week from today I will walk across the stage and receive my Bachelor's degree (a fake one though...I still have 3 finals after the ceremony).  3 1/2 years of college has taught me lots and this blog is for sharing my memories of that time and new thoughts as I navigate through the next chapter in my life.

Tonight I crossed an item off of my list of things to do in St. Louis...go and see the zoo lights.  It was a simple night surrounded by friends.  We had a blast.  These are the kind of nights I learned to live for while in college.  It wasn't the nights I stayed up cramming for a test or spent exhausted from the day in bed.  Now, I'm not saying that tests, grades, practices, and sports aren't important...they are...but they aren't what defines us in life.  I don't remember what projects I worked on freshman year or the big tests I spent all my time studying for sophomore year.  I don't even remember what would have been considered our 'biggest game' my junior year.  What I do remember are nights like tonight.  Simple nights spent with friends, talking and getting to know each other on a deeper level.  Trips to the zoo and Target and pretending like we were 10 years old again (...except for the fact I got called 'mom').  Earlier this semester I remember spending 2 hours talking to a friend instead of studying for a quiz the next day.  The quiz came and went (I'm not even sure what class it was in) and in 2 weeks, that grade won't matter anymore.  The conversation we had I do remember and is something I will continue to remember.  That's what life is about.  You have to step back and realize that the things surrounding you aren't what's important.  It's the people that you are interacting with. It's those conversations and friendships that you'll remember.  So surround yourself with people that make you happy, make you laugh, and you can have conversations about the meaning of life with.  This will make for the nights that you won't forget and stories that one day you can tell your grandchildren.