My Favorite Angel

Note: I wrote this blog right before I found out another young person I knew from a few years back passed away. It’s just another reminder of how short life is.  Live it to the fullest.  Love God, do what you love, and love those around you. You may not get another tomorrow, so make the most of today.

My breath still gets taken away. Tears still come to my eyes. The memories are still there.

It’s been 6 months since the horrible day I wish never happened.  Everyday I still think about her.  I still long to talk to her, hear her laugh, or get her advice.  I miss our crazy stories and boy updates, watching the Bachelor, and the texts we sent each other on lonely Sunday afternoons.

But it’s been 6 months.  I don't really talk about it anymore.  In the beginning, I was very open and talked about everything.  If I needed to talk, I could go to a number of friends and cry on their shoulder.  If someone asked how I was doing, I openly shared how I was really doing.  There were lots of tears and lots of sharing.

My feelings haven’t changed.  As time goes on, it doesn’t get any easier.  You just learn to accept the reality over and over again each day.  Some days are harder than others as something comes up I just really wish I could tell her or a new season of the Bachelor is on. (Her dream was to be on that show and become a reality star. We even went through the application until we got to the part where you had to film a short video.)  The only difference is I don’t talk about it anymore.  I still find tears streaming from my eyes as I shower some days and rolling down my face as I drive alone.  When my really good friends ask me how I am, I just say I had an emotional day and talk about everything else that happened.

Someone told me right after this had happened that it would be hard months in the future, when some people had moved on, but you hadn’t.  I understand what they meant now.  It’s like there is some unwritten code that 3 months after something like this has happened, you’re supposed to “be ok.”  But I’ve learned that it’s ok to miss that person and break down for a good cry sometimes.  You don't always have to be ok.  We shouldn’t have to hide it because we’re afraid that we’re supposed to be ‘over it’ by now.  Whenever I have a good boy story, I’m always going to miss Boken because she is the one I went to with those.  I smile now knowing she already knows everything I wanted to tell her.  Every story, every text, every lucky penny…she knows and is watching over me.  I’m thankful that I have God to trust in and that He gives me peace about this.  He gives me new hope each day and comfort knowing that Boken is with Him and some day I will be able to join them in Heaven. But for this little while here on earth, I know I have my favorite angel watching over me. “The world’s not the same without her, but it’s better because she was here.”

Life Update: Part #1

As I thought about writing this blog, I was conflicted.  I’ve wanted to do an update blog on how my life has been going and all the awesome things God has done so far.  But before I got that blog wrote, yesterday came along.  Yesterday brought struggles, questions, tears, and what ifs…out of the blue.  But God’s been doing some awesome things, so here’s the first part.

I didn’t know what God had planned for me this semester at home, but I knew if I trusted in Him, it would be something great.  Since FCA was a big part of my time at SLU, I knew I wanted to somehow get involved in the FCA back at home.  I went in to meet with my area representative to see how I could get involved volunteering, one thing led to another, and I ended up accepting a part-time job.  It will last the 10 months I’m at home and is a perfect mix between budgeting and planning (my school background) and camps and huddle groups (where my heart is).  Honestly, I couldn’t have wrote a job description for a more perfect job.  God was 100% in control of this and just so many little things about it prove that it was totally Him. I could go on and on about how perfectly this worked out, but that would take a whole blog.

I also got involved helping out with the Jr. High youth group at my church.  Jr. High is such an interesting age, but I love my small group of 8^th grade girls.  There have already been instances where I can see why God placed certain things into my life, especially last semester.  I grew so much from them and can now relate to those going through similar issues.

School is ridiculously hard.  I don’t think I quite knew what I was signing up for.  The amount of readings, research articles, and papers I have is crazy.  I think I’ve learned more in my first month of grad school than maybe my whole undergrad combined (kidding…kind of).  If grad school was more than a year for me, I don’t think I would last.  So my off days are filled with homework, along with my weekends.  It’s making up for all the time I didn’t spend on homework during my undergrad. But, so far all of my classes are going well.  I like most of my teachers, I like most of my class topics, and I’ve finally made friends in my classes.

I’ve been able to visit SLU twice already and see everyone.  This has helped so much.  It is weird every time I go back there (especially when I see someone else living in my old room), but I know I had to move on with my life.  I’ve been able to escape the drama of volleyball (for the most part) and it’s been good for my health, mental and physical.  I’ve almost gotten into normal workout routine and even found a Pilates class I like.  Being on my own and not around many friends, I’ve become independent in a different way.  It’s given me a lot of time to focus on my relationship with God.  I’ve been starting out my mornings with coffee or tea (so grown up!) and reading His Word.  It’s amazing how much I have started to crave the Word and learning more about how to live my life.

God has been working in my life is so many ways.  I’m finally into my weekly routine and have a handle on all of my classes.  My days consist of school, homework, work, and working out, but it keeps me busy and focused.  There are so many little things each day that I could go on about that remind me He does have a plan for me being here, in this situation.  So for the time being, I’m working on putting all of my trust in Him and finding peace in the situations I’m in.

The New Kid

Life got busy with grad school. I promise I have some blogs written and will post them soon. For now, here's one from my first week of school in January.

Being the new kid never gets easier...for me at least.

This week I started grad school.  A new program. A new school. In the middle of a school year.  In fact, I had never even walked across the quad at ISU and I'd only been in the b-school college of business once. I only know a handful of people that even go to ISU, let alone any that were going to be in my classes.

So I was sent back to my shy, quiet days.  It was literally like my first day of high school at U-high all over again.  This wasn't your typical first day of a semester, where you know what building you're walking to, you're familiar with the classrooms, you have seen at least a few people in your class, and if you're lucky, there's people you know in your class. This was different.

I had to find a parking lot I'd never been to and make a walk I'd never made.  I found my classroom and awkwardly walked in and sat in a spot that was safe away from anyone else.  Everyone else had their friends they already knew and sat by them.  This brought out the shy girl in me as I sat there and didn't say a word.  I didn't really plan on talking to anyone.

Luckily, a nice girl sat next to me in my first class and started small talk. This is when I realized that I was going to have to start the process of making new friends all over again.  Even if it was just friends that I talked to in class, I knew absolutely no one.  And if I wanted to go through the semester and not be mute and not say a word to anyone, then I had to make new friends.

This was a hard realization.  I was happy and content with my friends at SLU and the few I had at home.  I didn't really need new friends, but the semester was going to be miserable if I didn't.  Luckily, someone went out of their way, sat next to me, and started that process that I was too scared to start myself.  I'm thankful for that, because if not, I would have sat there alone in silence for a while.

So if you're ever in a situation where there's someone new, don't be afraid to reach out.  Introduce yourself. Say hi. Start small talk. Just that one small gesture that may seem mindless to you can mean more to them than you know.

Update: School was a lot easier after the first week (more to come on that) and thankfully I've made some friends along the way :)